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In a Retail Wonderland.../Script
mall is decorated for Christmas, complete with a brass band and a gigantic tree in the center of the iced-over mall fountain. Jude sits by the fountain, petting a bunny. Jude: "So, little bunny dude, you ever heard the one where the turtle is faster than the rabbit?" Jen: up "What is the matter with people? No returns till after Christmas! How hard is that?" Jude: "Hey, Jen. How's work going?" Jen: "Christmas shoppers are evil!" deeply "No. This year, I will be calm." Jude: "I bet Coach Halder will be stoked to hear that!" Jen: "Don't mention his name." Jude: "Whoa. Sorry I mentioned Coach–" Jen: "Zibbidibbaduh!" Jude: "Halder." Jen: "AAAAAAHHH! Do you realize I get a picture in my head each time you say his name?" Jude: "Okay, you've got to chill. You're freaking out my friend here." holds up his rabbit. Jen: "Aww! Where did you get him?" Jude: "Err...yerr..." rushes up and snatches the bunny from Jen. Jen: "Hey!" Ron: "So. This is what it's come to. Stealing bunnies. I thought I'd looked evil in the face. But this takes the Christmas cake. I'm taking this poor defenseless creature back to the living manger display." Jen: "Why is there a bunny in a manger?" Ron: "They couldn't get donkeys." leaves, and Jonesy walks up to his friends. Jonesy: "Why doesn't he get a dog, like a normal cop?" Jude: "Sup, J?" Jonesy: "Got me a sweet new gig, that's what." Jen: "Doing what?" Jonesy: "Since I kicked butt on the Christmas decorating crew, they put me on gift-wrapping detail." Jen: "Hold on. You actually did well at something?" Jonesy: "Heck yes! Check it out." gestures to the tree. "Pretty sweet, huh?" Jude: "You put up that tree?" Jen: "And decorated it?" Jonesy: "You don't believe me?" and Jude look up at the tree. It sways and creaks slightly, tilting to the right. Jen and Jude: "We believe you." Jonesy: "I've gotta get gift wrapping. Aren't you working today?" Jen: unhappy "Don't remind me." Jonesy: "'Cause if you're late, Coach–" signals for him to stop. Jen looks angry. "...Halder..." Jen: "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''In a Retail Wonderland' ---- ''gang are sitting around the table. Nikki is looking through a travel brochure. Nikki: "My parents are trying to take me to Acapulco for my Christmas present." Wyatt: "Wow. That's pretty nice of them." Nikki: "Uh, do you remember my parents? They're like Christmas elves on overdrive! They sing Christmas carols! My mom does nonstop Christmas baking, and my dad ho-ho-hos for the entire month!" Jen: "I'd love to go somewhere hot!" Jonesy: "Hey Nikki, it's always sizzling at Chez Jonesy." Nikki: "Note to skin: start crawling." phone rings. Caitlin: up "Thanks for calling Gift Girl, how can I help you shop?" the request down "Yep, I'll have the perfect present for you this afternoon!" hangs up. Jen: "What's with the gift girl thing?" Caitlin: "I've started a new business. Say you're a guy, and you've got no clue what to give your sweetie. You call me, and I do the shopping for you." Wyatt: "You get paid to shop?" Caitlin: "Can the world be any more perfect?" sighs and closes the Big Squeeze. "Gotta shop! See you later." Jen: "Wait. You're just gonna close the lemon?" Caitlin: "That's the great thing about working here. I don't have somebody breathing down my neck all day like you do with that annoying–" signals for her to stop talking "Coach...Halder–" Jen: "GAH! HE'S DRIVING! ME! CRAZY!" but Jude gets up to leave. Nikki: "Seeya." Wyatt: "Gotta fly." Jonesy: "Check you later." Jude: "Okay, you need some serious chilling out, dude. And I know just who to call." ---- is doing yoga while on her phone working at Vegan Island. Starr: "Hey Jude." a response "Oh, for sure." customers with her feet "I've got some totally relaxing yoga movies for Jen. She'll be Zenned out in no time." ---- Underground Video, Wayne is fiddling with the TV remote. Wayne: "What the–okay. Who replaced the titanium batteries with ordinary alkaline ones?" Jude: "That was all they had at the Nothing-Over-A-Dollar store." Wayne: "They're crap. Recategorize all the foreign-language documentaries pronto and I may not fire you." walks in. "You're late. If you're slacking off just because it's Christmas, I'm onto you." Wyatt: "I'll set up the holiday movies display." Wayne: "Whoa whoa whoa. We don't have any Christmas movies." Wyatt: "Sure we do. We have like six of them." Jude: "Seven if you count this German docudrama on Kris Kringle. It's narrated by David Hasselhoff." Wyatt: "Huh?" Wayne: "No display, Christmas movies suck." Wyatt: "But watching Christmas classics is a yearly ritual for lots of people." Wayne: "Getting a colonoscopy is a yearly ritual for lots of people too, but that doesn't mean I want a colonoscopy display in my store." ---- is working at wrapping gifts. At the moment, he's on the phone. Jonesy: "This is such a great job. I look like a totally sensitive, creative guy. Chicks love that! Later." hangs up and services a customer. "You need your boat wrapped, captain?" Stuart Goldstein: "Uh–" takes the boat and wraps it up. Jonesy: "Ahoy, matey. You have yourself a good day, y'hear?" takes his boat and walks away. "Another satisfied customer." Ron: up to the booth "Move along. No loitering in the mall, maggot." Jonesy: "This is a gift-wrapping table." Ron: "And you're a gift wrapper?" Jonesy: "Many would say gifted wrapper." Ron: whispering "Psst. What's the money like?" Jonesy: "Pretty decent. Plus tips." Ron: "I'll just make a note of that." writes something down on his notepad. ---- is shopping at the Khaki Barn. Chrissy: "You raise shopping to an Olympic art form!" Caitlin: "Thanks. I do train a lot." charges the clothes and leaves. Nikki walks up to her boss. Nikki: "Chrissy, could you give me a week off to go on vacation with my family?" Chrissy: "Oh, I wish I could, but I don't like you." Nikki: smiling "Well, I can't say I didn't ask." Mrs. Wong: "Hello?" parents have arrived at the store, wearing blue-and-purple Hawaiian shirts. Mr. Wong: "Where's our island princess?" walks up to them. Nikki: "What are you doing here? I told you I'm not coming. Just–let me stay with Jen." Mr. Wong: inside "Hello young lady! We need some wild and crazy resort wear!" joking "But I need you to make sure my wife doesn't spend all our trip money before we leave!" Nikki: her eyes "Here we go." Mr. Wong: Chrissy helps them shop "Did Nikki tell you we're taking her to Acapulco? Well, actually, we'll be just outside Acapulco, in the town of Cost-a-lot-mucha!" and Chrissy laugh. Nikki: "You know, you could save a bundle by not taking me, Dad." Mr. Wong: Chrissy "Now listen young lady, what's a dad have to do to get his daughter a few days off, hmm?" Nikki: "Too bad. They can't spare me, Dad. It's Christmas, remember?" Chrissy: amicably "Just write down what days you want off, Nikki, and they're all yours." Nikki: sarcastic "Gee, thanks." ---- peeks into the back of Vegan Island. Starr has created a Zen room. Jen: "Starr?" Starr: "Hey Jen! Come in." enters. "Okay. First, try the Reaching Monkey." imitates her instructor. "Good. Now try the Praying Mantis." enters as Jen makes the pose and gasps. "Wow. You're really flexible, Jen." Jen: "Bring it on. I only have a fifteen-minute break from work." Starr: "The next position is Blowing the Tiger's Mind." do it. Jude: "Okay, this is kinda hot." Jen: "What are you doing here, Jude?" Jude: "Staring, mostly." Starr: "Jude's here as part of your Zen training. Zen Lotus." get into position, and Starr beckons Jude forward. Jude: "Coach Halder." ducks, expecting an explosion. None is forthcoming. Jude: "Coach Halder?" doesn't budge. Jude: "Coach Halder Coach Halder Coach Halder Coach Halder!" doesn't break formation. Starr: "Wow, you totally stayed calm!" Jen: "I can't believe it! I'm de-stressing! It worked! This is the best Christmas present ever!" leaves. Jude: "That was awesome! Hmm. I wonder what else I can do for people that doesn't involve buying stuff?" ---- is at work. Jonesy: "So, Nikki, you planning to stay under the table all day? 'Cause I could use a footrub." Nikki: "Just lemme know if you see my parents." Jonesy: "Coast is clear." pops out from under the table, and Caitlin walks up, talking on the phone, with a huge stack of gifts. Caitlin: "I know we have a date tonight, Connor, but work is really busy now! Oh, Jonesy. Gotta go." hangs up. "I want these wrapped in twenty minutes." Jonesy: "Hold on! If you want these wrapped individually, then you're looking at five to seven hours minimum!" hand taps Nikki on the shoulder. She looks behind her and is roughly hauled out of her chair. Nikki: "Hey!" sits down. Ron: "We'll have them done for you in twenty." takes half of the stack. Jonesy: "We will?" Ron: "Roger that." Caitlin: "Okay then!" walks away happily. Jonesy: "How come you're in on my action?" Ron: "Security may look heroic–glamorous, even–but the pay is noticeably underwhelming. And I've got Christmas presents to buy. Now wrap." ---- is hard at work. Jen: "And I'm saying that your fifteen percent off coupon has expired, ma'am." Coach Halder: "Masterson! The customer is always right! So honor that coupon! You got that, missy?" growls. Jen: "Just a sec. I need one more minute in Dragon pose." gets on the counter and gets into the pose. The customer, shocked, leaves. Jude enters the store. Jude: "Nice work. And kind of hot." holds his purchase up. Jen: "Is that all you want? Tape?" Jude: "I'm making my own Christmas presents this year! I tried to make the tape too, but it's a little trickier than it sounds." blinks, shocked. ---- is giving Wayne his gift. Jude: "This is for you, dude! It's a leather DVD holder for your belt." Wayne: "That is the dumbest thing I ever heard of." Jude: "Whoa. That was harsh." slinks away. Wyatt and Caitlin approach the counter. Caitlin: "I can't believe you had a copy of Winter Pudding!" Wyatt: "A Christmas classic?" Wayne: "Christmas classic–bah!" phone rings. Caitlin: "Gift Girl, how can I hel–Connor! I told you I need to keep my phone free for customers!" hangs up. "Don't forget the pre-Christmas get-together tomorrow." Wyatt: "I won't." phone rings. Caitlin: "Gift Gi–Connor! Stop calling me!" leaves the store. Wyatt: Wayne "Why don't you come to our pre-Christmas party?" Jude: excited "Yeah!" Wayne: excited "No!" normally "Get back to work." ---- walks by the iced-over fountain talking on her cell phone. Caitlin: "Connor, come on. We do so see each other. Sometimes." continues talking. "You're breaking up with me?!?" line goes dead. "Hello? Connor?" puts her phone down. "I can't believe this is happening!" phone rings. Picking up tearfully "This is Gift Girl. How can I help you shop?" ---- Caitlin is in Albatross & Finch, trying to decide between two tops. Caitlin: "Uh–uh–I don't know." sighs. "I can't decide. I mean, what difference does it make?" Greeter Goddess: "Are you okay?" Caitlin: gasping "No! I'm not okay! This should be a no-brainer, but I just don't care! Oh my gosh! I think I've lost my will to shop!" ---- and Jonesy are wrapping a book. Ron quickly pulls out some paper, wraps the book in it, ties a string around it in a perfect bow, and as a finale pulls some bells from his pocket and puts them on the present. Ron: "Who's your daddy?" Jonesy: impressed "Where did you get those bells?" Ron: "That's classified. It takes a man to know how to use them." Jude: up "Hey hey! Jonesy! I have your Christmas present for you, bro!" Jonesy: "All right, thanks Jude!" opens the present and pulls out a cap. On the cap is a twisted coathanger with foliage hanging from it. Jude: "Made it myself. It's a mistletoe hat! Whenever you wear it and you turn near a girl, the mistletoe will be right over your heads! She has to kiss you." Jonesy: it on "This is the best gift I ever got, dude." to Ron "Check it out." realization of what the mistletoe hat means hits them both at the same time. Ron and Jonesy: "GAH!" leap backwards. Ron: "Watch where you're pointing that thing, son." Jonesy: the hat off "I think I need some space." leaves. Ron: "Yeah. You go. Good idea." Jude: "I, uh, guess I'll go too." ---- and Nikki are sitting at the usual table. Nikki: "I'm worried about Caitlin. She hasn't even opened the lemon today." Jude: "Bummer. I have a Christmas gift to give her. It's a personal shopping transportation device." Nikki: "It looks like your old skateboard." Jude: "Not just my old skateboard, my old Alex Chalmers skateboard." the board "We saw some good times, buddy." Nikki: "I'm gonna try her again." dials Caitlin. The sound of Caitlin's cell ringing comes from two places at once: Nikki's cell and the Big Squeeze. Nikki walks over and throws it open to find Caitlin standing inside despondently. Nikki: "Caitlin, what are you doing?" Caitlin: "I can't shop!" groans and puts her head in her hands. Nikki: "Okay, okay calm down. What do you mean you can't shop?" Caitlin: "I've lost my retail mojo! Connor broke up with me." Jude: "Who's Connor?" Caitlin: "My boyfriend." Nikki: "When did you get a boyfriend?" Caitlin: "I've been too busy shopping to introduce him to you. Oh, this is the first time shopping has ever caused a breakup!" Nikki: her away "C'mon, you've got to get your mind off this." ---- has a mug with him. He sniffs it and sets it down. Wayne: "What are you doing?" Wyatt: "Mulling spices. They give the store a Christmas vibe." Wayne: "Good. 'Cause I've decided we're gonna be open Christmas day." Wyatt: "What?" Wayne: "Yeah, you were right. People really eat up this holiday crap. Be in early to serve up more of that Christmas vibe." Jude: up "You look like Santa just brought you a bag of barf." Wyatt: "This is just not right!" after Wayne "Where's your heart? Your holiday spirit!" Wayne: "Bah, humbug." ---- is working when Ron offers him a tin of cookies. Ron: "I baked some Christmas cookies. We've got shortbread Uzis, chocolate grenades, and gingerbread security men." Jonesy: "I'll take a gingerbread security man." takes one and bites into it. The camera cuts to a costumed teenage boy playing the kazoo. Caitlin and Nikki walk by the table. Nikki: "C'mon, you've gotta help me think up a way I can bail on my folks." Caitlin: gasping "It's Connor!" and Nikki duck behind some presents to spy on him. Caitlin: "That's him! That's Connor!" Nikki: "The one with the antlers?" Caitlin: "He said he had a part-time job. I didn't know it was that bad." Nikki: "Caitlin, I know it'll take some time, but you'll get over him eventually." Caitlin: "How could he wear antlers?" Nikki: "This coming from someone who wears a lemon hat to work." Caitlin: "I used to think he was so hot, and now, he's just Antler Guy." stands up. "Guys all around this mall are counting on me to find the perfect present. Am I gonna tell them I didn't find it because of some goof in an antler hat?" Nikki: "Uh...no?" Caitlin: "You bet I won't! Oh, thank you for helping me get over him, Nikki! You're the best!" hugs Nikki. Nikki: "No problem." Caitlin: "Gift Girl has work to do! And the first person I'm helping is you." ---- has taken Nikki to a tanning salon. Nikki: "A spray-on tanning store?" Caitlin: "What did you say you're getting your parents for Christmas?" Nikki: "A book on art." Caitlin: "Nuh-uh. New plan. You're going with them to Acapulco!" Nikki: "No way." Caitlin: "Listen to me. Your parents are planning this trip for you. You can't stay behind! You'll have a crappy time and you'll break their hearts! Sometimes accepting a gift is the same as giving a gift." Nikki: "Huh. That actually makes sense." Caitlin: "Now get in there, girlfriend, and get sprayed so you don't blind everyone on the beach." ---- and Jude are working the till while Wayne watches a movie on the couch. He yawns and starts to fall asleep. Suddenly, a voice wakes him up. Wyatt: "Uh, Wayne? We're going on a break." yawns and waves them off. He then falls into a dream. In it, everything is tinted blue and the store is cold. Figure: "Hey." Wayne: "Guh-uh." looks into the face of someone who looks like Jen in a white robe, floating a few inches off the ground. "Who, and what are you?" Ghost of Christmas Past: "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Your past. And I want to show you something." ghost shows him a vision of his younger self. Wayne: "That's me! I used to watch movies all day long as a kid." Ghost of Christmas Past: "You peed your pants during that movie." Wayne: "Yeah, yeah. I didn't want to miss anything so I'd never go to the bathroom." Ghost of Christmas Past: "Did that boy want to grow up to be mean and bossy?" Wayne: "No." realizing "No–he–didnt." Ghost of Christmas Past: "Two other spirits will visit you." Ghost of Christmas Past disappears, and with it the vision. Wayne rubs his eyes. Snowflakes begin to float down, and the store is filled with snow. A voice, sounding like Wyatt's, breaks the silence. Voice: "Come over here, Wayne." walks to the front of the store and is greeted by someone who looks like Wyatt in a Santa costume. Wayne: "Are you–" Ghost of Christmas Present: "The Ghost of Christmas Present. Look." vision of modern-day Wayne is shown. Wayne: "That's me." Ghost of Christmas Present: "Look at you today. You may not pee your pants, but you're a mean, crusty, bossy, sarcastic jerk of a boss, who makes us work on Christmas." Wayne: "Hey, are you here to teach me a lesson or insult me, buddy?" Ghost of Christmas Present: "Sorry. What you need to learn about is the real meaning of Christmas." ghost disappears. Wayne: "Wait, wait!" black figure rises up behind him. Dark Figure: like Jude "Duuuudddeee!" Wayne: "Are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come?" Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come: "Totally. Behold!" turns the snow red. Wayne: "Why is everything red?" Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come: "'Cause in the future, we'll all be living on Mars! Dude." Wayne: "What does that got to do with what I have to learn about Christmas?" Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come: "Not much, I guess. It just blows me away that one day we'll all be living on Mars." Wayne: "Oh. Is that it?" Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come: "Yeah. No, wait! There's something about the real meaning of Christmas!" Wayne: "Okay. What is it?" Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come: "You must learn to be a nicer person, before it's too late!" Wayne: "What do you mean by that, you mean like before like before–I'm dead?" Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come: "Dude. You don't have to get all heavy on me. I gotta slide." ghost leaves, and Wayne awakens on the couch. Wayne: "Whoa...oh, man! I hope it's not too late!" ---- is waiting outside the tanning salon. Nikki comes out, and she gasps. Caitlin: "What happened?" Nikki: "What, don't I look golden brown?" Caitlin: "You only tanned half your body!" Nikki: "What?" Caitlin: "You were supposed to turn around halfway through!" Nikki: "Well nobody told me that! Oh, I have to go back and get done again!" Caitlin: "What time are your parents picking you up?" Nikki: "Three." Caitlin: "It's three now!" shows Nikki her cell phone. Nikki: "What!?!?" Caitlin: "You have to go." Nikki: "But I'm only half-tanned!" Caitlin: "You'll be fine. When you get to the beach, lay white-side-up." growls and storms away. "Oops! Merry Christmas." ---- is eating a candy cane by the iced-over fountain when a giddy Wayne runs up to him. Wayne: "What day is it?" Stanley: "Why, it's Christmas Eve!" Wayne: "Huh. The spirits did it all in one power nap. Of course they did, they can do anything! Do you know the grocery store at the end of the mall?" nods. "Do you know the big bag of chips in the window?" nods. "Well go get it for me and there'll be a fifty percent off coupon for Underground Video with your name on it!" runs off. "It actually feels good to be nice. Who knew?" ---- the Penalty Box, Coach Halder is lecturing Jen. Coach Halder: "Your sales are way down this week, Masterson. With numbers like this, you'll be laid off in January." rushes into the store. Jen sadly turns to help her. Caitlin: "There you are! Okay. I'll need a ski parka, a set of snowshoes, a snowboard, three tubes–" Jen: "Are you serious? What for?" Caitlin: "A client just got married and has to buy presents for all his female in-laws, and there's lots. So let's move!" Coach Halder: numbers "Yeah, well. Looks like you came through in the clutch there. Merry Christmas." ---- gang are gathered around the table on a conference call. Jude, Jen, Caitlin, Wyatt, and Jonesy: "Merry Christmas, Nikki!" Nikki: the plane to Acapulco "You know what? I've decided I don't care what anyone thinks." on a sombrero "I'm on vacation. Hit it, dad!" Nikki and Mr. Wong: "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a–" Nikki, Mr. Wong, Glutes Girl: "–Merry Christmas, and a happy new year!" Jonesy: "Merry Christmas!" Caitlin: "We'll miss you!" Nikki: "Merry Christmas, guys!" Nikki, Mr. Wong, Random Fliers: another round "We wish you a Merry Christmas–" sighs. Nikki: "Oh, bite me, Dracula. Where's your holiday spirit?" Mr. Wong and Random Fliers: "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas–" Caitlin: "I love Christmas." Wayne: up "Merry Christmas, everybody! It's better to give than to receive!" tosses a huge bag of chips on the table. Jude: to Wyatt "Is this a trap?" Wayne: "I've learnt the real meaning of Christmas, and I'm gonna spread the Christmas cheer!" runs off. "Hoo hoo! Ha ha! Hee hee!" Wyatt: "Okay, that was creepy. But I'll take Creepy Christmas Wayne over the usual Wayne any day." ---- tree is noticeably tilting one way as Jonesy, Jen, Caitlin, and Wyatt slide on the ice. Jude skids in front of them. Jude: "I made an ornament for the tree!" Caitlin: "Jude, that's beautiful!" Jude: "It's a mandala, representing the eternal circle of friendship." puts it on the tree, and the tree begins swaying heavily. Jonesy: "Uh-oh." five teens vacate the area just as the tree comes crashing down and barely escape being crushed. Jen: "Jonesy! Wasn't it your job to make sure the tree was secured properly?" Jonesy: "The mall must have shifted?" Wyatt: "Well, at least no one was under the tree when it fell." Penalty Box Customer: the tree "Ouchy. Ow." Jude: "Well at least not a lot of people?" voices from under the tree are heard. Jonesy nervously chuckles. Category:Season 2